What do you think of my story start?

The first thing I noticed was that something had changed. I couldn’t see anything or hear anything, but I knew that something was different. The world had been altered somehow, and I still couldn’t remember what it was. I could feel soft fabric under my head, like freshly changed bed sheets. I twitched my fingers, and felt a light weight over top of me. I could smell something, a stale detergent smell mingled with not enough oxygen. My mouth tasted dry, like I hadn’t drunk any water for a long time. I heard footsteps, soft and unthreatening, quickly moving towards me.

“Helena, are you awake?”

Who was that?

I twitched my eyelids, trying to open them. But I had forgotten how to command my muscles properly, and they only twitched pathetically. I could moan, though.

“Oh, so you are awake, sweetheart.” The voice was soft and caring, and it gave me the courage to open my eyelids.

I saw that everything was white, stark white and boring. The walls and floor were white like…

“Where am I?” My voice was scratchy with disuse, and I could barely recognize it.

The small woman was dressed in a plain green shirt and her black hair was tied into a bun behind her head. She looked at me, smiling softly.

“Honey, you’re in the hospital.”

I stared at her, confused. “I’ve never been to the hospital in my life.”

She shook her head and placed something next to my bed. “There’s a first time for everything.”

I watched her walk away, and then looked over to see what she had placed next to my bed. I saw it was a vase filled with flowers: purple roses. I stared at them, finding them unearthly beautiful. I felt something crawling down the side of my cheek and wiped it away with the back of my hand.

It was a tear.



i know its rough and it might be crap but i want to know your opinion, (shes been in a crash or somethig and her friend died)
What do you think of my story start?
It's...interesting. Nicely written, too. You have a great hook, in my opinion. If you change anything about this, don't change that. It works beautifully to reel the reader in.



This sentence bothered me: %26quot;I could feel soft fabric under my head, like freshly changed bed sheets.%26quot; Is there a difference between the way freshly changed and un-freshly changed sheets feel underneath your head? Personally, I'm not sensitive enough to notice the difference.



You fall a bit into the %26quot;I%26quot; trap, starting a lot of sentences with %26quot;I.%26quot; But it's not too annoying and in first person narrative, it can be difficult sometimes. You do a good job of not starting EVERY sentence with %26quot;I%26quot; but there's still quite a big number. Better sentence beginnings would help.



Other than that, I think it's good. For a rough draft, it shows a lot of potential. Good job.
What do you think of my story start?
Good stuff!

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thanx!

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If you like to write you should try www.storyjoin.com It allows you to collaborate with other members and write stories together. It's cool to see how the story ends.