Hi, please read and give feedback on the opening of my novel.

Hiya, how does this grab you as a first page.



All opinions appreciated. (Be kind, it's my first draft.)

**





I couldn't believe that the man who had played such a central role in my life for 8 hours a day, 5 days a week was now this foreboding man making me squirm so uncomfortably in my car seat. I was willing the lights to change to green so we could get away from him, but no - the topic of the last 20 minutes of conversation was stood outside a pub, having a smoke, whilst I sat in a traffic jam just a metre and a half away from him.



It was his grey and black shirt I saw first. I saw it as I was scanning the pub car park for his car as we drove past. He must have seen me looking. He must have then watched the recognition in my face as I spotted it and then how awkardly and quickly I jerked my head away when I saw 'the shirt'.

I turned to my girlfriend Helen, who was driving, to tell her who was stood there watching. My face must have been white as a sheet as she asked if I was ok, concern on her own face. She glanced to her left and realised straight away what must be the matter.

%26quot;Oh God..%26quot; She muttered sympathetically as I looked out every other window but my left, fiddling with the radio as I desperately tried to look casual as I pretended I didn't know he was there. It seemed an utterly pointless and embarrasing act. I knew he was there. He knew I was there. Yet we were acting as if a year and a half of our lives never happened.




Hi, please read and give feedback on the opening of my novel.
Sounds interesting so far :)

It makes the reader begin to wonder what's up right away.



The only mistake I noticed was %26quot;who was stood there watching.%26quot; should probably be %26quot;who stood there watching%26quot;

And the %26quot;8 hours a day, 5 days a week%26quot; should probably be %26quot;eight hours a day, five days a week%26quot;



Thank you for good spelling and punctuation. It's a horror reading some of the things people post here.

%26quot;Awkwardly%26quot; and %26quot;embarrassing%26quot; were the only words misspelled that I saw - but they're likely typos. Some American readers might have issue with your spelling of %26quot;realised%26quot; (we use z instead of s) but it's not incorrect.
Hi, please read and give feedback on the opening of my novel.
I'd buy it
It's okay.

The plus side, is that it doesn't sound anything like Twilight, so your good there.
I like it. Definitely some spelling issues. And spell out numbers like eight and five. I believe you only use the digits when 100 or higher or writing the temperature. Some of the sentences need to be cleaned up like: He must have seen the recognition in my face as I spotted his car and then when I awkwardly jerked my head away as I noticed 'the shirt'. Just a suggestion. But those things aside it's a good start to the story and it left me wanting to know who the people are and what happened between the two. Good job!
I already have a slight reading addiction to it, give me more! I love it!
It sounded okay (since it was your 1st draft.) You could use a grabber at the beginning, in front of %26quot; couldn't believe that the man who had played such a central role in my life for 8 hours a day, 5 days a week was now this foreboding man making me squirm so uncomfortably in my car seat.%26quot; Start with giving a name to your character so it feels more real to readers and try explaining how the m.c. got to the pub, something to grab and pull people in to feel compelled to read it. Oh and try to steer away from long sentances beginning your paragraphs (especially the opener) I'm sure you'll do fine and I wish you best of luck.
i really liked the opening sentence %26amp; the first paragraph.. then i like the 2nd paragraph too.

but then the 3rd %26amp; 4th paragraphs confused me.

i liked the suspense at first, but then i feel left out because the main character keeps hiding %26amp; his gf knows why %26amp; from who he's hiding %26amp; the person he's hiding from knows he's hiding, but i still don't know whats going on =(

throw in a couple of other clues about what to expect. i understood that it must be some1 the main character workd with -- 8 hrs a day, 5 days a week? but why is he important? the main character talks about him a lot.. i'd like to find out what to expect from their relationship before i read further.. hint on whether they hate each other; or were they in love before; or did they rob a bank together?

i realize that the opening of a novel is the hardest and yours isn't bad at all. it's just going over the same thing over and over and over again. in a way, the character's paranoia starts to rub off on the reader. except for the reader doesnt even know yet why s/he should be paranoid.

hope there's more to come. it seems like you already have an interesting plot worked out. good luck! =)