She woke up to see the little plastic stars on the ceiling and she knew what she had done the night before. There wasn’t a feeling of guilt, just disappointment. She had let it happen again. She turned over on her side and she could see him lying next to her. They were close, but not touching, in his twin sized bed. She turned back again, rolling over in attempt to sleep off the hangover she knew was coming. She lies there with her eyes closed but then she can hear him moving around and can’t really sleep anymore.
“Hey, what time is it?” she asks as looks to see his face in the darkness. She looks at where his eyes would be and wishes she could see them because they were the best shade of blue-green she had ever seen. He goes on his laptop to search the internet; something he did every morning when he woke up.
“9:00,” he responds without looking up from his laptop. “Why can’t I find a connection?”
“I don’t know but I hate the morning,” she said, “Do you know where my clothes are? I forgot where I threw them,” she asks as she pulls the sheets up in case someone walks in. With the light from the laptop she can see him a little clearer. Thoughts of how she wants to pull him on the bed race in her head and she loses focus on things for a second. He gets up from where he sits and walks over to a pile of clothes that lay on the floor and goes threw them and picks up some clothes.
“Are theses you clothes?” He asks her as he holds up a white tank top and a yellow skirt.
“Yes,” she says with a smile on her face as she reaches out to take them from him even though she really doesn’t want to put them back on at all. They both look around as they hear a noise and soon realize that other people are awake; she quickly puts on her clothes in fear that someone might walk in. He goes up stairs to see what his brother and his friends are up to leaving her alone for a minute with nothing but her thoughts. She doesn’t like them so she decides to follow him up the stairs. There are five or six guys hanging around and moving about the living room and kitchen. She sits on the couch, surprised not to hear remarks; guys that age usually have something to say. The sun poured into the house, making things seem even brighter than before. She sat on the couch, put her head back and closed eyes. The guys talked among themselves but she didn’t listen to what they said, just said there. She could see the light through her eyes, and she knew she couldn’t sleep anymore but she really want to so the pounding in her head would stop. It felt like someone was pounding a hammer, the pain of her headache wouldn’t go away.
“Hey! They are heading out, do you want a ride?” he had asked her. She looks at him with a bit of confusion.
“No, I am good right now.”
“Okay, but you’ll have to walk home if you don’t get a ride from now.” It kind of feels like he is trying to get rid of her, but she doesn’t really feel like leaving.
“That’s fine, I don’t mind walking.”
“Are you sure? It is hot outside, and they going towards your house. It isn’t really a problem if they give you ride. I am not going because I promised my parents I would fix some stuff around the house.” She is looking at him talking and those eyes of his are just drawing her in and she starts to lose focus again. The excruciating pain in her snaps her back in to focus.
“That is okay, I really don’t mind walking it isn’t that far and I am not wearing dark clothes.” She replies, looking down at the clothes she wore the night before; a white low cut tank top that showed just enough but not too much to that her breasts were hanging out of it, and a light blue skirt that was just about an inch above her knee, it would be shorter but she isn’t very tall. She stands at 5’2 and ?”; she always says the half because when you short every little bit makes you feel taller than what you are. She had chestnut brown hair that went down to the middle of her back, though you wouldn’t know right now because she had it up in a bun before she came up stairs. Her eyes were a deep dark brown
Change some things and wrote more, thoughts and ideas stuck on describing eyes?
Okay, I'll repeat what the others have said. Stick to one tense. It's confusing.
Next: the dialogue is awkward and unnatural. Make your characters converse in a realistic way. Imagine a conversation between you and your friends.
Also, the description of your main character in the last part of your excerpt is too long, and is kind of, well, boring. It's too straightforward Make the appearance of your character known to your readers in other ways. For example: %26quot;She tossed her chestnut brown hair behind her shoulders.%26quot; or %26quot;Her dark brown eyes twinkled.%26quot; Don't state it flat-out.
Change some things and wrote more, thoughts and ideas stuck on describing eyes?
I dunno, typical teenage floozie. The change in tense was distracting and... wrong.
I think this is good.
There is however a problem with changing tenses.
%26quot;Says%26quot; is present tense.
%26quot;Said%26quot; is past tense.
Don't keep switching between the two. Pick one and stick with it.
I suppose it is good, in terms of the story.
The writing is somewhat atrocious at times and hard to make out. You do write better then most people who post their stories on here, because I actually read the whole thing.
Keep at it, and read and write everyday. :)
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