TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK OF WHAT I WROTE PLEASE?

I only have a couple paragraphs. Im 13 and want to become an author please tell me what you think of what i wrote. Tell me what could be better Thanks in advance! -----: I havent really gotten into the climax yet though!

It all started with my mom having to go to Peru for a couple of months. She worked as an oceanographer and she had to go to study the waters and take photographs for magazine articles on water pollution.

So while she was away she would send me and my 6 year old little brother Zachary from our home in New York to our Uncle Robert’s house in Virginia. For reasons unknown, even to me, I didn’t call him Uncle Robert, just Robert. My mom had told me that Robert was wealthy, but I didn’t expect a stretch limousine to arrive outside our house to take us to the airport.

It was a snowy white. And long. Very long. Longer than any stretch limo that I had ever seen before. After Jonathan, Robert’s driver, put our bags into the back of the amazing limo, my mom, Zachary, and I climbed in. When we settled down in the seats and put our seatbelts on, I looked over at Zachary. He had the biggest smile on his face. It almost touched his ears. “This is so cool!” I heard him whisper to himself. And I have to admit, even though I don’t want to leave New York, it was pretty cool to be in a limo.

We were off. I finally looked around inside this amazing vehicle. There was two sets of seats. One by the front set of doors and another by the back doors. We were sitting in the back seats. Each set could sit about five people. There was a miniature refrigerator that had strawberries, chocolate, and all kinds of other childish snacks. The window that separated Jonathan and us rolled down. “I hope the refrigerator is stocked to your liking. Mr. Robert gave me a specific list of snack items to put in there.” He talked with an accent. It sounded British, but I’m not very good with accents so I couldn’t tell. The window rolled up slowly. There was also a drink bar. It had water bottles, cartons of orange juice and milk, juice boxes, and soda. I picked up a coke, opened it, took a sip, then set it down in one of the many cup holders.

I leaned back on the leather upholstery and closed my eyes. Even the soft country music playing couldn’t calm my nerves. I was thinking about how my dad, six years ago, had gone to Robert’s house when Robert was in the hospital because of a heart attack. My dad never came back. We got a call from Robert about a week after dad had been gone saying that dad had died in a car accident. I had always been very nervous about Robert. Not because he’s a bad person, but because my dad died when he was with him. It would be weird to be around the place where my dad’s death took place.

Now Zachary on the other hand is a different story. Mom was still pregnant with Zachary when Dad died. So he has nothing to worry about. He was as ecstatic as someone who had just been told that they have won the lottery. He was bouncing up and down in his seat and pushing some of the numerous buttons. All of a sudden a thousand tiny lights on the ceiling of the limo went on. I looked up as lights changed different colors. That was pretty cool. Zachary pushed another button and a small black t.v screen came down from the ceiling. “Sweet!” Zachary whispered.

While my brother entertained himself with pushing buttons, my mom took my hand in hers. I looked up at her. Her bright green eyes had tears in them. “I.....” My mom started. I interrupted her. “Mom it’s okay. I knew that if you could have different arrangements then you would. But you can’t. And I don’t want you to lose your job.” I already knew she was sorry for needing to have us go to Robert’s house. She knows how nervous I am with him, and so is she, and on top of that she never really liked Robert that much either. Mom laid her head against my shoulder and began to weep. Zachary looked over when he heard Mom. “Kaslyn, why is mommy crying?”
TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK OF WHAT I WROTE PLEASE?
I like it, it grabs my attention a little,

but not that much, but like westieluv24 said, your writing style will mature and make your stories better, so I'm sure it

will get better, not that its not good. Because I like it, but it just doesn't catch your attention good enough, to make you want to stay up all night reading it. But its very good for a thirteen year old.

But, keep writing, its good.
TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK OF WHAT I WROTE PLEASE?
well for 13 it's pretty good

your writing style will mature and make your stories better

just keep writing :-)
I think it's pretty good. :)



Some things that I think you could improve:

Any time you write a number less than ten, it should be written out (one, two three, four, etc) and anything more than that, should be in number form (28, 56, 109, etc).



And a few times within the story you switched tenses. For instance:

%26quot;And I have to admit, even though I don’t want to leave New York, it was pretty cool to be in a limo.%26quot; The majority of your story is in past tense, so %26quot;have%26quot; should be changed to %26quot;had.%26quot;



I hope that this helps :) And good luck with becoming an author.
this sounds very exciting! i really like it :)



After Jonathan, Robert’s driver, put our bags into the back of the amazing limo, my mom, Zachary, and I climbed in.

it has errors;

After Jonathan, Robert’s driver, put our bags into the back of the amazing limo. My mom, Zachary and I climbed into the limo.
This sounds like the start to a decent story. I think for 13 you are writing rather well. You need to work on things like punctuation and tense like was suggested before. You definitely keep us involved in the story but maybe try to This sounds like the start to a decent story. I think for 13 you are writing rather well. You need to work on things like punctuation and tense like was suggested before. You definitely keep us involved in the story but maybe try to add a little description. Some have great imaginations and can visualize anything but also try to add some descriptive words about the setting, people, objects, etc. Maybe if you put something in about the smell of the limo like the leather upholstery that would be interesting. Or maybe if you list what country song is playing could give the reader a better feel of the setting.



Jessika's %26quot;fix%26quot; of your sentence about getting into the limo after Jon puts the bags in isn't correct. However, the sentence still needs work.



This sentence: %26quot;It was a snowy white. And long. Very long. Longer than any stretch limo that I had ever seen before.%26quot; could use a little bit of work for sure. Make sure the reader knows what you are talking about. If it's the limo, keep it in the same paragraph where you first introduce the limo.



When you talk about the lights in the limo I would remove the sentence %26quot;That was pretty cool.%26quot; after the sentence %26quot;All of a sudden a thousand tiny lights on the ceiling of the limo went on. I looked up as lights changed different colors.%26quot;



Other than that, try to eliminate the run on sentence like this one at the end: %26quot;She knows how nervous I am with him, and so is she, and on top of that she never really liked Robert that much either.%26quot;

Maybe try to break it into two seperate sentences.



Other that that it's not too bad. Keep it up. You're on your way!