PLEASE RATE MY WORK?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!?

I have two poems I have written. The first one titled %26quot;For Keeps%26quot; and the following as %26quot;Beautiful Mess%26quot;. Interpret them as you may, but I'd appreciate a thorough rating. Thank You for your time. btw...I am 13



%26quot;For Keeps%26quot;

I don鈥檛 know how you do it.

You made me change my ways.

I鈥檝e softened up, buckled down.

Fell into a daze.

Maybe it was the way your mellow brown eyes told me it would be okay.

Or the way your intelligent words left me with nothing else to say.



Or how your light, playful smile had me feeling like a child.

Making the fire that surrounded us seem so very mild.

I love the way your arms felt so strong.

For about a couple moments, nothing did go wrong.



So we鈥檒l hear the rain before day turns to night.

I鈥檒l cry until I fall asleep, holding you so tight.

Drops of water land delicately on my roof.

I could swear that soft beat is my living proof.



That鈥檚 why I breathe鈥his explains why I鈥檓 here.

To make him happy, to wipe away his tears.



It鈥檚 kind of funny how we only like the sky when it鈥檚 black.

We have silent conversations and watch each other鈥檚 backs.



But I know that one day the throbbing will stop altogether鈥kies will turn blue.

The rain isn鈥檛 worth hearing if I don鈥檛 hear it with you.



I heard it all, I was there.

Begged them to try and nobody cared.

So I got to my knees, ripped my heart out of my chest.

Accusing stares but forget about the rest.



A straight flatline like I鈥檝e seen so many times before.

A walk up a ladder, a knock on a door.



I haven鈥檛 been a perfect person, what else could I do?

I was sure that I would sign it all away to you.



You were my rock, my safety, my core.

I would do anything to see that smile once more.

One more grip, one more chance.

One more storm, a clumsy dance.



It kept going, piercing in my head.

Things better change fast or my soul is dead.

Then out of the blue like in the past.

You look at my insanity and you straight up laughed.

Then it started to rain and you鈥檙e arms felt tight.

It wasn鈥檛 any different than any other night.

I heard the beat once again and I fell asleep.

I prayed to the big guy and thought very deep,

If he needed a heart鈥ake mine next time, for keeps.



%26quot;Beautiful Mess%26quot;

A Beautiful Mess



I watched my future walk out the door.

Eyes shut forever, I won鈥檛 take no more.



Look in those eyes that I love so much.

A face, a life, that I鈥檒l never touch.



Although it could be mine if I had my way.

There鈥檚 nothing I could do to make you stay.



I could promise you all that I have, it鈥檚 not enough.

Give you my loyalty in thick and thin鈥?times that are rough.



In the end, you think you know best.

Like you always do.

I鈥檒l watch it crash and burn, because I was the one who knew.



I鈥檒l be the one to clean up the mess.

She鈥檒l be the one you鈥檒l see in that dress.



So I鈥檒l give you my advice, like I have before.

And you鈥檒l listen for two minutes with your eyes on the door.



See you soon, I guess. I鈥檒l give it a week.

And you鈥檒l turn and smile and my heartrate will peak.



It destroys me sometimes to see my hero down.

Abandoned, alone, she left you on the ground.



So I鈥檒l pick you up, you鈥檙e a beautiful mess.

It amazes how you were thought of as anything less.



Perfection is boring, as we both know.

So give me two more minutes before you decide to go.



How many times will your luck be pressed?

How do you not see the talent you possess?



Stand up like the stronghold I adore.

Don鈥檛 change your way, I don鈥檛 want anything more.



So you鈥檒l turn back, and knock the wind out of me.

Clocks tick, doors shut, but you鈥檙e all that I see.



Finally, here it is.

The moment that鈥檚 best.

Things die down, my ear to your chest.

Tension built is put to a rest.

As we collide into a beautiful mess.
PLEASE RATE MY WORK?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!?
If you don't already have a guitar...get one, and practice a few chords.

Your second poem, especially, would fit the format of a song, with only a few modifications.



And play around with words a bit...exact rhyming is not as important as the sounds...speak your verse in your mind see if it %26quot;rolls%26quot; off your tongue easily.



And none of this is criticism in a bad way...hope you are encouraged.

You are also a story teller...you made 'pictures' in my mind with your imagery...start keeping these in a notebook, or some way you can refer to them later...they may become seeds of an album ?



Kind of dark images...and remember, some body always cares.
PLEASE RATE MY WORK?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!?
Wow, beautiful

my fave was the second one, it was awesome

i give a 10 and the second a 11 lol =)



I wish i could rate, but i can't
Good use of words, but be careful to stay clear of cliches. Cliches are phrases that tend to be used too often by too many people, such as saying they had you 'feeling like a child'. Try to find a more PERSONAL way to express that feeling.



You generally make very good use of rhymes. I especially like your near-rhymes, where the words rhyme but not 100% (for example (rest and mess). That shows a good ear for sound. However, I would try for a consistent, but complex rhyme-scheme. Check out sonnets, especially by Shakespeare and Petrarch. Learn about couplets (please, never make a poem ONLY with couplets. It drives me crazy.) quatrains (way, way, way over-used. Use quatrains only in combination), sestets, octaves, and so on.



Your rhythms are generally good, but again, try for consistency in terms of syllables per line and the rhythm. Learn about meter.



You have a fabulous start on writing poetry, and you have a lot of talent. With a bit of shaping, you could become excellent at this. Most importantly: You need to really reach into your heart, into your hopes, dreams, fears, the most sensitive places inside you, to find your words. Expose yourself in your poetry, and don't hide behind words others have used. It's too safe and real poetry should never be safe. There's no reason for you to hide. You have talent.
I like the first one a lot. But I don't understand what this is:



I heard it all, I was there.

Begged them to try and nobody cared.

So I got to my knees, ripped my heart out of my chest.

Accusing stares but forget about the rest.



A straight flatline like I鈥檝e seen so many times before.

A walk up a ladder, a knock on a door.



I haven鈥檛 been a perfect person, what else could I do?

I was sure that I would sign it all away to you.



Did he die from heart disease? I don't get it.



The second one is good too.