Your Opinions please ?

I'm writing a book or story, whatever you want to say. And I would like to know Your opinions. It's one of the crucial parts to know what people think. I know the grammar and punctuation isn't great, but I would like to know if you would read it if it was your type of book. It is a immortal romance book. And has a lot of twists to come.

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Chapter 1

Shock, fear and understanding all washed over me in the moment my mother told me what I was and I felt as though I were standing outside of reality. But whatever she was saying made some sense to me -- as if it were in my blood, bones and spirit and everything she was saying was like it had been banging and banging in my head for the last 16 years and now was unravelling. Now that the barriers were down between my conscience and me and I was able to see, hear, smell and feel more clearly. What a birthday present. I wanted to run and run away from this and from the truth--the truth about me, and about what I was. Her words were echoing through my head, words that could change my life and most probably would. I would lose my friends, my popularity and worst of all Lawrence--my lover - my life - my star-crossed lover. People will know me as a freak and those chanting words that keep dancing in my mind and clogging everything else up with that single dreadful word: “witch”.



















Chapter 2

That night I cried myself to sleep. While the Sooth liquid tears swam down my delicate rose cheeks, my life I had known for 16 years felt like they were dissolving into nothingness like the tears on my face. As if I was crying my past life out and that it would never come back everything I knew was gone. Everything I had all turning into nothingness all in a sudden second. My life felt like it was slipping away. The person I thought I knew. Me. Now, my soul seems distant and different like someone else, as if a disease spreading through my body was controlling it. Like cancer, that will eventually kill me, my soul. A sudden bang at the door startled me, but I had no attention to answer it, to anyone. Another bang softer and lighter, then come the voice in so many ways makes everything peaceful and makes you tremble and drift off into cloud nine, “Alyssa, It’s me Lawrence. Open up.” And just like that all my worries went away and all I wanted to do was be in his arms and tell me everything was okay, but nothing would ever be okay not just with this “witch” thing, but also with Lawrence. He was the family guardian and nineteen. Even so, I wanted to spend as much as time I could with him, no matter how upset and distraught I was. He always seemed to make it better until he went and the realization kicked in that we could never be together. Why did it have to be that way? The floor felt cold and made me shiver and tremble inside, my head was queasy and I felt light headed and was worried I might topple over any moment now, finally I reached the door knob and swung the door open and huddled myself into his warm body, moulding us into one. The perfect fit. His scent wafted to me and made me feel at rest and ease. Beautiful strong arms around me, making me feel every bit more relieved that he had not rejected me. In addition, that he still loved me no matter what evil thing I was, and it makes me so glad that he will be there for me through this terrible stuff and I would have someone to come back to, to hold me and caress me like this and then everything would be okay. “Alyssa? I need to talk to you.”

“Okay” My voice trembled and ended on sob because all my previous worries came back to me, maybe he didn’t want me, maybe he was repulsed at me and was here to break it up. I couldn’t live with that, I can’t even bear to think of it, I could hear him say it now in his soothing voice but with a cold edge to it, that he thought I was freaked and didn’t want anything to do with me. I could not help it, I could not hold them back anymore, and I poured out with tears and sobbed so hard I never knew I could. His face looked guilty and then I knew he was here for what I thought he was here for, and that made me break down even more. Then I was in his arms again and he was stroking my hair and telling me everything was going to be okay. In addition, I knew it was not. I pulled away from him for the first time ever and looked at him, before I could do anything, I blurted, “You’re here to tell me you don’t want me and that I’m a freak, aren’t you?” He looked stricken and taking back like, being hit. Then everything changed his lips were to mine, his perfect shaped lips with so much passion conjoined with them they were hard to resist, the warm hot feel that I felt seeping through my veins like a electric shock of love. Then the world stopped. He stopped. Then came his elegant voice soft and caring and full of devotion,

“Alyssa, why
Your Opinions please ?
I agree it is too wordy, any emotions you are trying to convey gets lost in it all, and you need to work on the flow. Overall, it's not my type of book, but with some work I can see people reading it.
Your Opinions please ?
Awfully wordy for such small chapters.



try employing some brevity.
A tad melodramatic, I didn't get beyond the first chapter.