Can anyone give a beginning writer some constructive criticism?

It was very quiet and dark in the streets as I walked home from my job on Saturday night. I lived in a small city and work every night until twelve.

The alley's were dark and the gas stations abandoned. No cars were on the street, everything was still.

I walked past the rundown grocery store I passed every night. The guy who worked the night shift sat at the counter, half asleep, knowing that no customers would come.

I decided to drop in and get myself a coke. I still had a while to walk before I got home.

The doorbell chimes made noise as I walked in. It was a small store with just a few things and one counter. The street outside was black and I could see the traffic light changing for no one, it's light the only thing making anything visible.

The highway ran overhead and the half-used apartments across the road were the only signs of life.

I shoved my hands into my pockets and started in search of the one caffeine-free diet coke they might have in the store.

I gave a nod to the cashier, Ralph, and he grunted in reply. I was the only customer that ever came in after nine, so Ralph and I had gotten acquainted seeing as how he was the only night person and worked from 8p.m. to 7a.m. everyday.

Just as I was reaching in to grab the diet coke I'd settled for I heard a noise. I jerked my head around and out of the corner of my eye I could see Ralph had done the same.

A beat up green Suburban drove past on the street. Ralph adn I shared an inquisitorial glance, nobody drove around or was out in our side of town past nine o' clock besides me. It just wasn't safe.

I knew that something was about to happen and so did Ralph. I grabbed the coke and walked up to the register.

%26quot;I'll call you,%26quot; I said. We all had an understanding in our neighborhood. If something happened, we called each other. You had to know what had happened.

%26quot;Thanks, man,%26quot; Ralph said. He wrang up my diet coke and then I walked out, with the dorrbell chimes sending and empty, hollow soun through ths store.



I wont post anymore now. Please keep in mind I'm a teenager but please be honest. Thanks!
Can anyone give a beginning writer some constructive criticism?
Honesty doesn't need to come in the form of harsh words. You've said that you are a beginner, and that's absolutely fine. I would expect everyone on here to treat you as such. It's only when you start saying how awsum you are people start to be harsh, but you have presented your excerpt in a polite manner.



So anywho, let's start with something you will hear for the rest of your writing career. Show don't tell. It's the three words which makes authors shudder. It's the most important thing to do really. But it's so vague, you can never be certain which is the 'right' way to show. In a nut shell, structure your writing to show your reader what is happening, rather than simply telling them. For me, I relate what is going on to my character.



For example, if I wanted to say:



'As Mark knelt by her side, he noticed blood spill from the wound in her neck'



I would probably instead write:



'Mark pressed his hand against the wound on her neck, in a vain attempt to stop the bleeding. He felt warm blood gush over his hand, and felt a wrench in his stomach as he knew it was too late'.



Ok, maybe a bit over dramatic, but I hope you get the point. Let's look at your writing.



%26quot;The alley's were dark and the gas stations abandoned. No cars were on the street, everything was still.%26quot;



I would probably write this as:



%26quot;As I wandered along the road under the orange glare of street lamps, I cursed the aches in my legs after another long day. I was the last one on the street, ofcourse. At this time of night, the roads were silent%26quot;



hm... I seem to have made your character look miserable.. I have a habit of that O_o



Well anywho, show don't tell is something you will probably be practising a lot, these are some sites I found by the powers of google which seem fairly good:

http://users.wirefire.com/tritt/tip1.ht >

http://www.tarakharper.com/k_show.htm

http://www.dailywritingtips.com/show-don鈥?/a>



On to the things you have mastered though. For a beginner, I am fairly impressed by the fluidity of your writing. Your characters, to, seem relatable and realistic - which is fantastic. Also, you have very successfully created a dark feeling about your setting. You could build on this, by mentioning your characters emotion. How does their feelings change when they see the car?



So all on all, I've gone off on a rant, but I think you have a fair bit of potential. I'm a writer to, and though Im nothing brilliant, I like to help other writers with advice and what not.



Anywho, best wishes =)
Can anyone give a beginning writer some constructive criticism?
Wow! You have a great writing style! You use a good amount of description and dialogue, and your vocabulary is pretty great. Good luck with finishing it!
Woah, that's really good.

I wanna read the rest now ;)



What's the general plot of it, I'm curious?

x
It's a great story. And your writing style is unique. There was a typo there that i noticed, but other than that it was good. Your lacking description, don't get me wrong, you did a great job with the surrounding area that the character was in, but the description of the other character and the main character that was telling the story is extremely lacking. I'm sure there is more to the story, but why was the main character just going home from work, what is the back story to that particular character? I apologize if that was too much.
Pretty good. I'd run it past one of your schools english %26amp; writing teachers if I was you to get better pointers. I liked the tone to it but if I was you I'd take more time describing the characters and environment like you did when your character first came in the store. I like it when lit. gets descriptive cause it helps me get a better mental image of what's happening.