What do you think of this scene? How can I improve?*i wrote it like ages ago so it might not be the best*?

Right, so this is the start of chapter 1, just after the diary entry of the main character, Nikki, (who is a boy) oh and i know Nikki is the 'girl' spelling but it kinda adds to his character later lol

I'm 13, but please be as harsh as you feel you to need to be :)





Nikki was more than relieved to be dragged out of the van, his boots firmly back on; as soon as the van he’d been strapped in pulled up at the building he would now call home. He slightly squinted at the early evening sun that was beating down on him, as it was pretty dark in the van and it took a while for his eyes to adjust to the sudden light change. He had his diary stuffed in the bottom of his small rucksack, that hung lazily over his left shoulder, it had a few items of clothing, and a hairbrush and some odd toiletry items stuffed inside, all given to him by the guards as there was nothing left in his house once he had finished his reign of terror. He tucked the black biro he had been writing with behind his ear and pulled down his goggles just before the guards handcuffed him once again.

“Well, this is now where I’m spending the rest of my life… great” Nikki whispered sarcastically to himself as he was dragged into the tall white building that seemed to be in the middle of nowhere. He was walked to what looked like a reception room at the front of the building, with a well-built, strong looking middle-aged man, on a small wooden seat behind the desk. The man had a shaven head and a shaven face to match. He also had a clean scar on the right side of his face, just below his nose that ran over both his lips, down his neck and down below the collar of his white shirt and a large reddish-purple bruise-like mark under his left eye. His legs were up on the desk and his hands were crossed over his flat stomach. One of the guards cleared his throat to get the man's attention. He suddenly shot to life like a puppet who‘s strings had just been tugged by it‘s master, sitting up perfectly straight; his dark eyes narrow, glaring straight at Nikki. Nikki just let his eyes wander around the room. He thought it might be best not to look at the guy eye-to-eye.

“Who’s this?” the man asked the guards with a yawn, Nikki guessed he didn‘t sleep too much as he had dark rings under his eyes and was clearly asleep on the job. But you wouldn't much, working in a prison, would you? The guy looked down at a black clipboard on the desk with what looked like a list of names, and possibly some other information on it before the guards could attempt to answer, “Ah I’ve found you, Nicolas Leigh if I’m not mistaken.” he tapped the clipboard lightly with his forefinger. Nikki still wasn’t paying much attention. The man’s face went red, “stop daydreaming, lad!” he snapped, slamming his hands on the table with causing a loud bang to echo around the almost-empty room. Nikki just looked at him, his head ****** slightly and smiled cheekily.

“By the way, I wasn’t dreaming actually, and it’s more evening than day.” Nikki said calmly, with a cat-like grin. The man went an even redder shade of red.

“You wouldn’t say that to me if you knew who I was young man! You’d show me respect, as you’d respect your father.” there was a slight pause as man looked down at his file at Nikki’s profile with a smile, his eyes actually seemed to grow slightly, “Ah; I see you didn’t respect your father at all. You’re a twisted young sod, aren’t you Nicolas? And if you knew what was best for you, you wouldn’t dream of cheeking me like that. I warn you now!” as he shouted the man threw a shower spit all over the desk. Nikki smiled craftily, his hazel eyes glinting like stars as they alwa
What do you think of this scene? How can I improve?*i wrote it like ages ago so it might not be the best*?
I like your idea. The interaction between Nikki and the guard is very good. However there are a few things that could be improved ...



I think that you're opening sentence is a little long. Also, you do not show the reader much about Nikki's personality in the first paragraph. I'd have him saying or thinking something sarcastic, just to show what kind of a person he is, instead of waiting until the second paragraph. You also don't really show how he is feeling. Is he scared? Most young men in his situation would be.



Try to describe what the building looks like, without saying that it is a prison i.e. high fence, barbed wire.



Also, sorry, but the name is confusing.



I think this has a lot of potential. Don't feel bad, what you have so far is a draft and you have plenty of time to improve on it.
What do you think of this scene? How can I improve?*i wrote it like ages ago so it might not be the best*?
I love it!! You should finish it and get it published. I soooooo got hooked! You don't get as good stuff as this normally and Y!A. I like his name, it really fits his personality I think. And I like the part where they're talking about respecting his father-lol! I adore it! Ok, I'm sorry. I'll stop writing now.