What do you think of this scene? How can I improve?*i wrote it like ages ago so it might not be the best*?

Right, so this is the start of chapter 1, just after the diary entry of the main character, Nikki, (who is a boy) oh and i know Nikki is the 'girl' spelling but it kinda adds to his character later lol

I'm 13, but please be as harsh as you feel you to need to be :)





Nikki was more than relieved to be dragged out of the van, his boots firmly back on; as soon as the van he’d been strapped in pulled up at the building he would now call home. He slightly squinted at the early evening sun that was beating down on him, as it was pretty dark in the van and it took a while for his eyes to adjust to the sudden light change. He had his diary stuffed in the bottom of his small rucksack, that hung lazily over his left shoulder, it had a few items of clothing, and a hairbrush and some odd toiletry items stuffed inside, all given to him by the guards as there was nothing left in his house once he had finished his reign of terror. He tucked the black biro he had been writing with behind his ear and pulled down his goggles just before the guards handcuffed him once again.

“Well, this is now where I’m spending the rest of my life… great” Nikki whispered sarcastically to himself as he was dragged into the tall white building that seemed to be in the middle of nowhere. He was walked to what looked like a reception room at the front of the building, with a well-built, strong looking middle-aged man, on a small wooden seat behind the desk. The man had a shaven head and a shaven face to match. He also had a clean scar on the right side of his face, just below his nose that ran over both his lips, down his neck and down below the collar of his white shirt and a large reddish-purple bruise-like mark under his left eye. His legs were up on the desk and his hands were crossed over his flat stomach. One of the guards cleared his throat to get the man's attention. He suddenly shot to life like a puppet who‘s strings had just been tugged by it‘s master, sitting up perfectly straight; his dark eyes narrow, glaring straight at Nikki. Nikki just let his eyes wander around the room. He thought it might be best not to look at the guy eye-to-eye.

“Who’s this?” the man asked the guards with a yawn, Nikki guessed he didn‘t sleep too much as he had dark rings under his eyes and was clearly asleep on the job. But you wouldn't much, working in a prison, would you? The guy looked down at a black clipboard on the desk with what looked like a list of names, and possibly some other information on it before the guards could attempt to answer, “Ah I’ve found you, Nicolas Leigh if I’m not mistaken.” he tapped the clipboard lightly with his forefinger. Nikki still wasn’t paying much attention. The man’s face went red, “stop daydreaming, lad!” he snapped, slamming his hands on the table with causing a loud bang to echo around the almost-empty room. Nikki just looked at him, his head ****** slightly and smiled cheekily.

“By the way, I wasn’t dreaming actually, and it’s more evening than day.” Nikki said calmly, with a cat-like grin. The man went an even redder shade of red.

“You wouldn’t say that to me if you knew who I was young man! You’d show me respect, as you’d respect your father.” there was a slight pause as man looked down at his file at Nikki’s profile with a smile, his eyes actually seemed to grow slightly, “Ah; I see you didn’t respect your father at all. You’re a twisted young sod, aren’t you Nicolas? And if you knew what was best for you, you wouldn’t dream of cheeking me like that. I warn you now!” as he shouted the man threw a shower spit all over the desk. Nikki smiled craftily, his hazel eyes glinting like stars as they always did when he was excited, plotting or just smiling when he was genuinely happy. He was all three at the moment.

“So who are you then?” Nikki asked shrugging a little, “And why are you more special to all the other big shots I’ve ignored? Hmm? By the way, it‘s Nikki, that’s N-i-k-k-i, not ‘Nicolas’. I‘m fifteen, not bloody fifty like you!”

The guards both stepped back as the man glared at Nikki, his eyes narrow slits. He walked slowly around the desk and stared at Nikki face-to-face, there was barely an inch of space between them.

“You just call me Sir, okay? That’s all you need to know” he spat in Nikki’s face as he spoke, his tone had gotten slightly softer and quieter but his eyes still glared bright like an animals eyes on a hunt, “and what makes me so ‘special’ is the fact that I control your future. I can have you locked in here for life, just because I don’t like the way you look at me or the fact that I don‘t really like the way you spell your stupid nickname. Or I could have you killed in an instant just because I hate that stupid grin you have on your face. Okay, Nicolas?”

Nikki would have wiped the spit away if his hands weren’t handcuffed behind his back. He just smiled even more. Tormenting this man was fun!

“Okay, okay mate. God, say it don’t spray it!” he said cockily, a disgusted
What do you think of this scene? How can I improve?*i wrote it like ages ago so it might not be the best*?
Just to let you know, im going through this line by line to give you the best feedback i can. Dont think its just a list of mistakes.



Your first sentence is a bit jumbled. Maybe you need two sentences here?

I'm not sure 'lazily' is the right descriptive for his bag in this situation. It sounds too casual when you're talking about being stuffed in a van etc.

You put 'as' at the end of a sentence a lot to explain things. This doesn't read well, maybe use a semi-colon instead?

You're very blase about this 'reign of terror'. i haven't read your prologue of a diary entry is it? so maybe im wrong, but it seems abrupt to just drop in a huge bit of backstory like that.

I'm immediately more interested when I get to the second paragraph. You've started it moving, and there's a nice element of mystery with the guards and the building. The comma after 'midlle aged man' is incorrect. It makes it sound like the reception room is sat on a wooden sseat.



Your description of the man is like a list. it's very matter of fact. You don't have to describe him entirely the first time we see him. Drop descriptives into the narrative so that the reader can build up an image. You do this when you say 'his dark eyes glared at Niki' (not an exact quote sorry). This is good because its describing a character without having a list. You might also want to say more about how his scarred appearence affects the reader. Is he scared? nervous?



Moving on./ But you wouldnt much would you?'

Wouldn't what? I think you mean sleep. You need to say this though because it doesn't read clearly.



'with' caused a loud bang is wrong. It should be which.

'Wasn't dreaming actually' should be wasnt DAYdreaming actually.

'Redder shade of red' ? im not sure about this. Deeper shade? Or angrier shade? You can get his mood in here remember.



It should be why are you more special THAN all the other... not TO.



'Humanly possible', not humanely.





It gets better towards the end, definately. Its an interesting plot and would definately read better once you clear these mistakes. The plot is intriguing and you have a strong main character. One thing i would say is that you don't have to tell us everything about Niki straight away. Let the reader work out that hes cheeky etc.

Another thing i noticed: The bald man. He claims to run the place, and at the end hes giving the orders. Yet he's on the reception desk?? And he jumps to attention like a puppet? This is contradictory and needs changing i feel.

Finally, i didnt get a very strong sense of setting. Other than the tall white building, i didnt know where i was. maybe look at creating an atmosphere?

Its potentially a very strong start. id definately like to read a re-draft.

Hope this helped : )
What do you think of this scene? How can I improve?*i wrote it like ages ago so it might not be the best*?
you must be gettin level 7s for ypur english im on level 5/6 your really good and this is from someone the same age as you
I like it so far,though in the first few sentences I think you missed a word because it doesn't make much sense.
your kidding!!!! you seriously are only 13~!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! you write like, like a 27 year old!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! that was very amazing keep up the good work! man your so modest of course we wouldn't be harsh with that!
wow this is amazing!

you neeeed to carry on writing this story

keep us posted on how your getting on :D
Wow, that's amazing. The only thing I noticed (by the way, I'm not good at writing so I'm no pro writer! So probably don't listen to me unless someone agrees...) was some of the sentences were really long and some had a lot of commas. It might just be me... So don't go changing it unless you agree %26gt;.%26lt;

But it that was amazing! :)