Can anyone give a beginning writer some constructive critisicm?

It was very quiet and dark in the streets as I walked home from my job on Saturday night. I lived in a small city and work every night until twelve.

The alley's were dark and the gas stations abandoned. No cars were on the street, everything was still.

I walked past the rundown grocery store I passed every night. The guy who worked the night shift sat at the counter, half asleep, knowing that no customers would come.

I decided to drop in and get myself a coke. I still had a while to walk before I got home.

The doorbell chimes made noise as I walked in. It was a small store with just a few things and one counter. The street outside was black and I could see the traffic light changing for no one, it's light the only thing making anything visible.

The highway ran overhead and the half-used apartments across the road were the only signs of life.

I shoved my hands into my pockets and started in search of the one caffeine-free diet coke they might have in the store.

I gave a nod to the cashier, Ralph, and he grunted in reply. I was the only customer that ever came in after nine, so Ralph and I had gotten acquainted seeing as how he was the only night person and worked from 8p.m. to 7a.m. everyday.

Just as I was reaching in to grab the diet coke I'd settled for I heard a noise. I jerked my head around and out of the corner of my eye I could see Ralph had done the same.

A beat up green Suburban drove past on the street. Ralph adn I shared an inquisitorial glance, nobody drove around or was out in our side of town past nine o' clock besides me. It just wasn't safe.

I knew that something was about to happen and so did Ralph. I grabbed the coke and walked up to the register.

%26quot;I'll call you,%26quot; I said. We all had an understanding in our neighborhood. If something happened, we called each other. You had to know what had happened.

%26quot;Thanks, man,%26quot; Ralph said. He wrang up my diet coke and then I walked out, with the dorrbell chimes sending and empty, hollow soun through ths store.

I wont post anymore now. Please keep in mind I'm a teenager but please be honest. Thanks!

I know it needs some work but do you think that if I cleaned it up a bit it would have a chance at getting published?

Thanks again!
Can anyone give a beginning writer some constructive critisicm?
Here are some observations:

You start a lot of sentences with %26quot;I%26quot;. This gets old. Try reading it aloud and it becomes more obvious.

Your verb tense changed with 'The ally's were dark...' (by the way it should be alleys, not alley's).

Always rethink a sentence that has the word 'very'. Maybe you picked the wrong adjective.(silent instead of very quiet).

Try to eliminate unnecessary information. A great exercise is counting the words, then trying to shorten the story to half as many. It makes you really think about what needs to be there, and what the value of each word is.

This is not the time to think about publishing. This is the time to enjoy the process of writing, editing, and polishing your work.
Can anyone give a beginning writer some constructive critisicm?
its alright, i HATE Saying this...but it does sound amutruish (SLIGHTLY) But that can easily be fixed by editing.





But atleast let the reader know if the person speaking is a man or woman? You dont describe enough for us to picture a scene properly



I am also a teenage writer.
Okay.

It was good. I usually start reading like the first sentence of these things and then get bored and go off of it, but for some reason I actually wanted to know what happened in this one. So for that reason, it was good. Also I like the fact that you didn't use Purple Prose (you didn't describe everything too much and make it sound stupid) because that is what a lot of people do (myself included) and it ruins the whole thing. Having said that, I think you should've described a bit more of the surroundings. For example, 'I heard a noise' I was waiting for you to describe what the noise was but you didn't and I was really confused about why you didn't.

Also, I can't really work out why, but the first paragraph is kind of confusing. It seems like you have jumped between tenses or something.

I hope I helped a little bit.
Like someone has already said, editing will help.



But don't edit until you have a completed novel.



And don't post on Y!A anymore. It'll distract you from actually writing the thing, and people might steal your ideas.



Work on the flow of your story: in editing. When your book is finished.



Why should being a teenager make any difference?



It might have a chance of getting published. If you don't edit until you're finished.



Add more detail. Right now, you're showing instead of telling.



In some cases you can't aviod it, but please try not to use the words, 'was, were and forms of felt and looked sounded.'



Use similes and metaphores.







I think you get the point. It needs work. But don't work on this scene until you finish your book. Everything will look horrible, and you won't finish. Trust me. I've gotten 3/4 through with seven full length novels, and I decided it was time to edit. What I saw made me want to puke, and I haven't touched the stories since.