Husband doesn't help, with anything until he thinks I am at the point I am ready to leave!?

I have been married for almost 12 years,no children. I am 29, I work full time, and will soon be starting school. My husband works as well. He has always been pretty good at being employed, though there have been some stretches of unemployment where he still didn%26#039;t help. My problem, which seems to be fairly common, but my circumstances are a little different, but my problem is, when my husband gets home from work, he will sack out on the couch, and... that%26#039;s it. This is EVERY night. I work night shift,12 hour shift,and about 75 miles from my home. So when I get off at 7am, I get home at about 8:30 am due to metropolitan traffic. so I come home, and believe me.. I am no neat freak, but I have to vacuumwhen I get home due to the excessive grass he has tracked in the night before, and whatever mess the dog has made that he just left. Then I typically throw away the empty mountain dew cans he has left. So I sleep from about 9:30 am to 2pm and do it all over again. Every month I get 8 days in a row off due to my track schedule system. During that 8 days, I have to repair the damage to my home from the previous weeks of not having the time because of work. Now, we live on about 1 cleared acre. My step father%26#039;s mother lives next door. Due to my work schedule, this leave little time for me to do alot of yard work except on my 8 day break. My husband, gets VERY upset when he is asked to help. What really gets to me, is that if he persists in not doing it, My 71 y.o grandmother does it... I find thatdespicablee.Further, if my vehicle just needs the oil looked at, or a head light bulb changed, I will ask him, (he works at a garage). He then will be so apprehensive to do it, and when he does, something always upsets him to the point of raising his voice at me. The absolutely confusing part for me, is if one of his friends asks him to do something, he is all over it. Why not me? I pay the bills, I cook, I clean, I know I am not perfect, but I am anassett.... so why not me? This has gone so far as to affect the level of attraction I feel for him. I dare not tell him that, he doesn%26#039;t react positively to being asked to do the simplest of tasks, so I can only imagine the fallout that would come from me telling him my attraction for him was waning because of his lack of ambition. Anybody experience this? Something similar? This has been going on for a bit, and steadily worsening. He is a loving man, when he is awake. What do I do? How do I fix it? I get so depressed. I feel like a live in maid who pays the bills.
Husband doesn%26#039;t help, with anything until he thinks I am at the point I am ready to leave!?
u say that he only helps when he feels like yr ready to leave...if yr telling him that then u need to mean what u say...if u keep staying he knows that he doesn%26#039;t have to lift a finger to help you..i wouldn%26#039;t tell him about yr lack of attraction to him but it should be more than obvious..u sound like a smart hard-working woman and bless you for all that you do...does he even feel bad if he sees your grandmother doing work he should be doing? and i agree that is despicable...i have been married for 11 years with no children also but it sounds like yr married to a child...even if u have to stay at a friends house or yr grandmothers..LEAVE!!! is he abusive? u can%26#039;t fix him..only yourself..ive learned that from many years of counseling..lol...the only person%26#039;s behavior you can change is your own!!! and he sounds like a lazy piece of u know what...unplug the TV or call the cable company and have it disconnected..do whatever it takes to get him off his lazy butt!!! or leave!!! that%26#039;s yr best bet..i know u love him and care about him but sometimes it takes extreme circumstances for men to really see the light!!! maybe place a hidden camera in the house so he can see just how ridiculous he looks on the couch while you are doing all the work...hope this helps!!!
Husband doesn%26#039;t help, with anything until he thinks I am at the point I am ready to leave!?
Once you actually leave, maybe he%26#039;ll learn his lesson.
Don%26#039;t do his laundry, do not cook for him, do not do anything for him. Just leave. If he wants you to come back, he will have to prove that he can be a big boy and clean up. If you do come back and he goes back to his bad habits, then leave and get a divorce.
Well, you FEEL like a live-in maid who pays the bills because to him that%26#039;s all you are, but, you better not tell him that you are so exhausted, so hurt that he will not help, so tired of being taken advantage of, that it%26#039;s beginning to affect your attraction to him.



Why, he might get upset, and we don%26#039;t want THAT, he might raise his voice, because he%26#039;s sure not gonna lift a finger! Or, even worse, he might up and leave you, and then where will you be, without a selfish lazy worthless oaf in your home?!?



Why that would be just tragic, now wouldn%26#039;t it?!?



Perish the thought. And you missed a spot on the floor, so get off your tired butt and get busy.



Your, um, %26quot;loving man%26quot; will be so disappointed if he sees that. You better get him a beer to make it up to him.
You feel like a live in maid because you are. Maybe you could try letting everything go to hell for a few days and see if he cleans it up. But if he doesn%26#039;t that%26#039;s more work for you. Or leave his lazy ***. That is sooooooo unfair to you. Who spoiled the hell out of him? Your grandmother should not be doing the work of a 30 year old man. You better thank GOD you don%26#039;t have any kids with him, that triples your work load. Tell him your done being his maid. If he can%26#039;t help, leave. His loss. Good luck.
He is a completely selfish and lazy person who has no respect or appreciation for you at all. And he is not going to change even if when he thinks you r going to leave he helps then but only for a little while . Dump His Sorry *** and you said his dads mother lives next door? where is his dad. If I let my grandmother cut my lawn ny dad or mom %26#039;s heads would explode and then they would come to me and go up one side of me and down the other. BUt No MAN would let their grandparents cut their lawn. Get rid of him Get rid of him
You say he is a loving man when he is awake, but that%26#039;s not the man you describe. He sounds like he is back in the olden days. My son and my son in law both help their wives. Good you don%26#039;t have children.

You can have a long talk with him and tell him exactly how you feel and that you need his help around the house. If not, you will have to quit your job to fulfill all the house chores properly. You could also suggest counseling. If all fails you can leave either on a trial basis or if he doesn%26#039;t change then make a decision.
I hate to say it, he doesn%26#039;t respect you. He doesn%26#039;t need you to think he%26#039;s a good guy like his friends need to think of him. Give yourself a break and take your days off in a studio apartment or ask him if he really thinks it%26#039;s gentlemenly to have the 71 year old lady doing things he could have done.

Take the 71 year old lady with you for a week if you like. But value yourself and your sanity and don%26#039;t do this to yourself anymore. If he%26#039;s not going to take care of you , his wife, by not making you run ragged due to his couch sleeping, you are going have to be the one to take care of yourself. And let him know you are doing it because you need a break and it%26#039;s making you tired just to look at him. Don%26#039;t talk about it, just do it. Because it sounds like he really needs to be hit over the head with a hammer.., you not being there to be the maid.



Or tell him you are going to drastically cut back on your hours because there is just too much to do. Money just might motivate him off the couch. Whatever you do.. follow through.



I mean really if he wants money to come in, the good fairy isn%26#039;t going to do it. It means you aren%26#039;t there to sit around and wait for him to make a mess.
Make a list of all the chores that have to be done around the house on a daily / weekly basis. Then invite him to sit down with you and divide them up fairly between the two of you. If he wants no part of it, you divide them up yourself. Post the list on the fridge so both of you can see what you have to do each day. If his share isn%26#039;t getting done, neither is yours. For example, if you%26#039;re supposed to cook dinner today, and he%26#039;s supposed to do the dishes afterwards, and the dirty dishes are still stacked in the sink come tomorrow morning, you don%26#039;t cook dinner tomorrow night. You get the picture. When he runs out of clean underwear, so will he.
He%26#039;s not behaving like a loving man ... at least, not to me.



This is long, and some of it might seem like tough love, but my intent is to help you look at things from a different (objective) perspective, and see if you don%26#039;t actually have all the power to change things for the better.



Sweetie, %26quot;loving men%26quot; don%26#039;t make 71 year old grandmothers mow their lawn, and do other yard work. They don%26#039;t leave a mess all over the house, and expect you to exist in servitude to them. They don%26#039;t yell when you ask them to check the oil, or fix a headlight. They don%26#039;t track mud into the house and let the dog make a mess without cleaning it.



He%26#039;s not behaving like a loving man. He is behaving like an angry man, a frustrated man, and a deeply unhappy one. Now ... why is he so angry, frustrated and unhappy? You don%26#039;t have to answer that right now because that%26#039;s probably not what you expected. Just think on it while you keep reading.



Here%26#039;s the deal: You have trained him that all this stuff you%26#039;re talking about is ok. That%26#039;s the problem. It%26#039;s also the solution. Since you trained him, you can RE-train him ... right?



Now, having said all this, I have a few things to ask you:



When is the last time that you just went over to that man of yours, took him into your arms, and hugged him. Just for the sake of hugging. I%26#039;m talking a warm, enveloping embrace that lasts for longer than 10 seconds?



How often do you tell him how happy you are to be his wife, that he%26#039;s the only man in the world for you, and that you can%26#039;t even remember your life before he was in it?



Do you ever send him hot text messages telling him sexy things about his body, or how amazing he was last night?



When is the last time you took his hand over breakfast on a Sunday morning, and just told him that you think he%26#039;s the best husband on Earth, and you appreciate everything he does?



When is the last time that you surprised him in the shower, telling him that washing your own back is very strenuous, and that you wanted to help him wash his back, because he might hurt himself ... ever done that?



How often do you go over to wherever he is, put a hand on his face, and kiss him? I mean ... a long, deep, hot, sexy kiss that says %26#039;I%26#039;m so hot for you, I don%26#039;t know what to do with myself%26#039;, and that doesn%26#039;t end until you%26#039;re both breathing fast?



Do you ever (on the 8 days off time) greet him at the door with a little make-up on, maybe a little perfume, your hair brushed, maybe with his favorite cold beverage, and a smile, and then have a little 30 second party %26quot;Hiiii honeeey !! Yaaaaay !! You%26#039;re hooooome !! *kiss kiss* I missed you today, baby - how was your day?%26quot;



[I know what you%26#039;re thinking ... %26#039;why do I have to do all this? what about him not giving me what I need??%26#039; Am I close?? Well, if HE was in here complaining about you, I%26#039;d tell him the same stuff, but he%26#039;s not. You%26#039;re the one who is asking for advice, so this is my advice to you. If you want more out of your marriage, put more INTO IT!!]



When is the last time that you made him his favorite thing for dinner for an entire week, just because it pleases him?



Have you ever walked past him while he%26#039;s shaving and grabbed his butt on the way by? Or, stood quietly nearby while he%26#039;s shaving and just watched him ... and then when he asked why you%26#039;re watching, have you ever said, %26quot;because you%26#039;re just so dang handsome?%26quot;



See, here%26#039;s the thing: Men, bless them, need to feel like they%26#039;re the hero, and they need this FROM THEIR WIVES. They need to feel like they%26#039;re the warrior, going off to slay the dragon every single day, even if the dragon is numbers on a spreadsheet, or a busted transmission. They need to feel like they are the most important thing in your world. They need to feel loved, needed, wanted and appreciated, every single day.



All that stuff I asked about (that you%26#039;re probably not doing, and not doing from the heart for the simple act of pleasing your man) above ... start doing it.



If you were to start doing those things, I can guarantee you that your man will notice, and that things will change.



YOU have the power to turn this around - so ... will you??



Now, why do you think he%26#039;s so unhappy? Understanding that might help you to see things differently. My guess is that, at the top of the list, is that he misses your body next to his at night. Now, I%26#039;m not saying that you have to change jobs, and in the economic climate we have right now, it%26#039;s probably a bad idea, anyway. However, men like having their woman in their bed at night, hon. Could that be part of the problem?



I know this is a lot to take in.



*big hug* and best of luck to you and your man.



Hey, why don%26#039;t you go find him and give him a nice, tight, warm hug and while your head is on his shoulder, tell him how much you love being his wife. No time like the present - right?
I%26#039;ll cut your yard and be your handy man around the house, anytime, any God given day. I charge cheap rates.

Yeah, I know, I used to work from 7:30am to 5:00pm m-f and some half day Saturdays. I did some very physical, extreme hard work somewhat and I would go home super tired and drained. There would be times, where I would sleep late half day Saturday and Sunday mornings on my off time, but I did manage to change the oil on both the wifes and my car/ trucks, preventative maintenance and mow the yard and I still have enough energy to make love hard and fast.
If you are tired of doing it all, hire someone to come in and clean the house every week...



Ask your husband to vacuum -- ask him if he%26#039;d do a couple things every day. If he agrees, ask him if he wouldn%26#039;t mind if you left him a note to remind him (put it where he fixes food, so he sees it!). I%26#039;m sure if you ask (and you will have to do this repeatedly because housework is foreign to most men), he will help.



I know it would be nice if we didn%26#039;t have to ask, but we ALWAYS do. The only neat and tidy men i%26#039;ve ever known were gay. They are also the ones i%26#039;ve always been most attracted to. Go figure!